Ep 22 | Why It’s Important for You and Your Partner to Have the Same Advisor

If you and your partner are building a life together, why wouldn’t you be building one plan for your finances? In this episode of The F. Word, Priya Malani unpacks the hidden risks of having separate financial advisors in a committed relationship. She explains how disjointed strategies, conflicting advice, and misaligned money mindsets can quietly undermine your goals—and why working with one advisor you both trust can accelerate your progress. This episode dives into emotional intimacy, financial transparency, and the practical logistics that come with truly unified planning.

Tune Into This Episode to Hear:

• Why separate financial advisors can actually slow you down as a couple

• The ripple effects of conflicting advice and misaligned strategies

• How financial transparency can deepen emotional intimacy

• What a shared financial plan looks like (and why it doesn’t mean giving up control)
  

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THE STUFF OUR LAWYERS WANT US TO SAY: Stash Wealth is a Registered Investment Advisor. Content presented is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended to make an offer or solicitation for any specific securities product, service, or strategy. Consult with a qualified investment adviser (that's us) before implementing any strategy. Investing involves risk, including the loss of principal. Past performance does not guarantee future results. There…we said it.

Transcription

I would like to highlight that money is one of the biggest sources of friction in relationships and it's actually the second most cited reason for marriages ending. And so to get on the same page, to surface those uncomfortable conversations, is actually part of the value in getting a financial plan.

Hey guys. Welcome back to The F Word, where we talk about money without the guilt.

Today we're talking about something that I see from time to time: couples with separate finances and separate advisors. Now, it might seem like keeping things separate is safer, smarter, maybe just even simpler. But spoiler alert, it's not. In fact, if you and your partner are serious about your future together, having separate finances and separate advisors can actually hold you back.

All right, let's get into it.

So let's start with the problem with having separate financial advisors, and I feel this so dear to my heart. It is so, so, so important that when you are in a serious relationship, you guys pick one person to work with that helps you plan your financial life together. Think about it this way: you're building a life together.

Each of you having your own financial advisor? No good. You're planning your life together, but keeping your money apart? Your money is a tool that helps you accomplish the things that you wanna do in your life. And if you've got a tool set over here and they have a tool set over here, it's gonna be really hard to bring those tool sets together and use them in the most efficient way.

One of the biggest problems with having different financial advisors is it can lead to conflicting advice. And by getting conflicting advice, it just muddies the conversation and actually leads to confusion in how you should accomplish your goals.

Conflicting goals. Conflicting advice. Because at the end of the day, you and your partner might have great communication together, but when you're talking to other people and conveying the goals that you have for yourself and for your unified team, you might be saying something similar, but not exactly the same.

And if you're not saying the exact same thing to two different people, you're gonna end up with two different strategies. And those strategies might both be great strategies on their own, but when you bring them together, it can create a lot more questions and confusion about how best to move forward.

Let's say one financial advisor suggests that you guys should pay down your mortgage faster, and the other one says like, no, let's leverage that low interest rate. They might both have very good reasons for their advice, but without understanding everything else going on in your situation, that strategy could actually lead you guys to a standstill. And all of a sudden you're like, wait, no, mine said to do this. And you're like, well, mine said to do this. And you don't know how best to move forward.

It's also very relatable because that's something that we've seen happen. When couples come to us and somebody's got a guy and the other person maybe doesn't—almost always, when one person is working with somebody and the other person isn't, or is working with a different person—you'll move a lot more slowly than you would if you guys were working together with one financial advisor.

I think it's a good reminder to also mention that you're optimizing—because I think a lot of people think we wanna figure out how best to optimize for the future and for today. So I think it's important to mention that when you're optimizing, you're optimizing for your future together. But when you're working in a silo with one financial advisor, that person is just optimizing for you—your life, your income, your goals.

And if you are working to build a life with somebody, you wanna be thinking about it from a more holistic perspective. I know that's an overused term, but like, you really do need someone who's looking at everything going on in your situation, pulling all of those pieces together.

Like maybe your significant other has a really awesome 401(k) match. And maybe you have really great benefits through your employer. Well, like, okay, well how do we take all these different pieces, all these things that you guys have available to you, and which ones do we pull together to create a unified plan?

If you're working with two different financial advisors, they're never gonna be able to holistically look at your and your partner’s resources that are available and then pull them together for the most cohesive strategy. And even if they do, philosophically your financial advisors may not be aligned.

And so if your partner is working with a financial advisor that has a very specific investment philosophy, and then you are working with somebody who has a different investment philosophy, that conflict can create ripple effects for how that impacts your ability to get on track for your goals—not to mention the conversation, the confusion, the disalignment in the way that you guys are working towards your mid and long-term goals.

Eventually that will become a source of tension, or worse, resentment.

Okay, so let's talk about the case for having one financial advisor that both of you are working with, that you both know, like, and trust. You've selected this individual together. Why is that so, so important?

Well, one advisor means one plan for your actual life. A single advisor sees your entire picture—your goals, your income, your debt situation, even your money mindsets—and is able to really solve for how to build a really customized, personalized strategy for you guys based on all the various pieces in your financial life.

So much of what we're doing is just understanding the quirks of the people that we're working with and helping to prevent them from being their own worst enemy, because they don't even recognize that they have these quirks or mindsets or money myths or limiting beliefs.

So one financial advisor, understanding both of you inside and out, is so key to your success.

Not to mention that having one financial advisor also really highlights the conversation that you guys are working towards one purpose. You know, that's not to say you can't have separate goals, separate money, have autonomy. But when you have two separate financial advisors, it is so much easier to subtly start working towards two different purposes.

You don't wanna be tugging in different directions. You wanna be rowing in the same direction, right?

Another one—and this is a huge one that often our process highlights—is financial transparency leads to emotional intimacy. I can tell you tons of stories about this.

We had a couple the other day who was coming together to do a financial plan. They'd been together eight years, I believe. It was a second marriage. They were not married yet. They were about to get married in a couple months and they both had children from their first marriage. And so invariably, it's so much more complex.

Speaking to us in the very first meeting already highlighted so many issues that wouldn't have been highlighted if they both went to independent people to work and develop strategies for their unique lanes. She had children. He had children. They had different incomes. She was making a lot more. He was making a lot less, yet he had a lot more in a brokerage account from the divorce.

And it all of a sudden highlighted, well, okay, that's his money. This is my money. I don't want my money to go to his children's activities. And if they were working with independent financial advisors, the advisor probably would've been like, okay, cool, let's go that route and let me develop a strategy based on what you're saying.

But actually, what we were able to do was highlight some of these—I'm gonna call them issues or tensions—that it's almost as if they came to us to have an intermediary, have a third party help to moderate the discussion around. Because without surfacing those tensions, it is so much harder to decide how to get aligned and what you wanna be aligned on—and where you're not aligned, are you okay not being aligned there or do you wanna get aligned?

And then that ultimately leads to a much more foolproof financial plan.

The hardest conversations with building a financial plan are the emotional ones. And when you're working with two different financial advisors, the emotional conversations—they kind of get buried, 'cause you're not facing the conflict head-on.

I would like to highlight that money is one of the biggest sources of friction in relationships, and it's actually the second most cited reason for marriages ending. And so, to get on the same page, to surface those uncomfortable conversations, is actually part of the value in getting a financial plan.

And if you're working with two different advisors and you're developing two different plans, you will not surface those things that need to be discussed. I'm not proud of it, but we've actually had people break up because of our process. But ultimately, they were breaking up because what the process highlighted was that they were not aligned on their values, their priorities, and the direction that they both felt they were headed.

And, again, I'm not proud of it, but if a financial planning process actually helps you guys decide, "Oh, we do not share values," I don't think that's such a bad thing to know sooner rather than later.

At the end of the day, a good financial advisor should take the financial planning process and definitely dissipate the confrontation and support and encourage collaboration. And that is so much easier to do when you're working with one person that you know, like, and trust.

Okay, so what do we see at Stash Wealth?

And I'm just gonna start by saying that we have fired clients who don't wanna get their financial shit together—together—because it doesn't work in the long run. And we're so hell-bent on making sure that our process works for you, that if you're not willing to participate in it and make it a collaborative experience, then ultimately it's either something going on with you and your relationship or something going on with you and us. And that just doesn't work in the long run.

So sometimes couples come to us, and one person has a guy. And usually it's like their parents set them up with this person that maybe their parents use. And the advice is not tailored to their real life now, but this person is familiar to them, so they kind of just go through with it anyway.

Well, usually when you get into a serious relationship, it's really important for your partner to also like and trust this person that you're working with. And if they don't, it is way more important for you to find a new one that works for your partnership—the person that you're building a life with—than to say, "Oh, well, my parents use this guy so we're gonna use this guy."

Even if that means that you get—I know a lot of times people will say, "Well, we're preferred, we get the friends and family rate and our accounts are all householded with my parents so we get a discount"—like, that discount is not beneficial to you if your partner does not also like and trust this person and feel comfortable taking advice from them.

It is so much more important and so much more valuable and so much more signal of your success for you guys to go find someone that you both trust together and are aligned with philosophically. Because a lot of our parents’ financial advisors have methodologies and frameworks that come from a different time and a different era, and it worked for that time and that place. But it does not necessarily work for us and our lifestyle and the way we think about the flexibility that we want and the goals that we're trying to accomplish.

More of us are looking for sabbaticals that happen throughout work and not just waiting until we're 65 and retired. Or we don't wanna give up our lifestyle today for saving for the future, but wanna figure out how to better balance that. We have things like RSUs and student debt and things that other older financial advisors are just not familiar with.

And so when couples come to us, it's not only important that they're fresh establishing a relationship with us, but also that we see them and their lifestyle and their life stage and can speak to it much more clearly and confidently and with more experience than an old stodgy financial advisor that your parents worked with that you're grandfathered into, like preferred pricing.

Another thing that I really like about couples coming to Stash Wealth is that it's an opportunity to establish a brand new relationship and for someone to get to learn who each of you are, and also allow you to grow into who you wanna be.

And here's what I mean by that: usually we find that one person in a relationship takes that role of household CFO. They do all the budgeting and they do all the paying of the bills, and they're just like watching that. And the other person is a little bit more lax, doesn't really care. And that's fine.

You both don't have to care the same amount about building a financial plan together. That's like literally not the point. The point is that you both are equally involved and invested in this new relationship. And you don't have to care, but you are there participating and listening to the advice and guidance that's being given.

Because if just your partner takes the lead and then something goes really, really wrong, guess where you're pointing the finger?

I think it's really important that you're both equally invested in the process because it will allow you to be aligned and not finger-point if something does go wrong.

If you're using somebody that your parents used, oftentimes that advisor, just because they're comfortable with that person, will default to going towards that person—calling that person or emailing that person. And that's not a great feeling when you're building a life together and building a plan together and your money is part of the strategy. Like, you want that person to see you. And so sometimes it's best to break away and start fresh, because you both start on equal footing—building a relationship with this new person who can see you both for where you're coming from and doesn't know one of you better than the other.

So yeah, they're not gonna give preferential treatment or default to communicating more with the person that they already knew or have a history with that family. So I think that's really important and something that you should pay attention to. If your partner's like, "Yeah, I don't wanna use your parents' person. I'd love to start fresh." That's a very valid concern that you should pay attention to.

Now, one thing I wanna say is that when you get a financial plan together—when you're working with one financial advisor, whether it's Stash Wealth or wherever—it's really important that you don't think that working with one advisor means that you have to merge all your accounts. You can still have autonomy. You can still have control.

Again, we still—we wanna tackle limiting beliefs and why you're not merging things together. That couple that I was talking about earlier, it was more about a discomfort with trust and honesty and transparency. And there was a lot of fear around: what would happen if our first marriage didn't work out? What if this didn't work out? How would we separate things?

But those are the exact kind of conversations you need to have as part of the financial plan building process. A good financial plan tackles all of that, alleviates the fears, and allows you guys to move forward with confidence. Maybe it doesn't plan for every single situation, but you will certainly feel comfortable and trust the process.

You should trust the person you're working with. You should trust the person that you're planning with. And you should definitely trust the plan that's being built. If you don't, those conversations need to be had. Now, you probably also need a prenup—which is another podcast episode.

But a prenup is super, super important because—I'll just touch on this really quickly because it's a common misconception—people often think that, "Oh, okay, well, whether or not we're using one or two financial advisors, as long as I keep my money separate, that's still my money."

Nope. Once you're legally married, in most states, that is now joint property—that is marital property. And whether or not it's in a separate account, that still falls under the umbrella of your household. So just 'cause you keep it in a separate account doesn't mean it's your money.

Now, that's not an argument for merging everything. There are many different ways that you can go about this. What you wanna do—and what we very highly encourage—is that you merge the majority of your paycheck or your paychecks.

And the reason why is because you need sort of a headquarters for your financial life—to see where all the money coming in should go to one spot, and then all the money flows out of this one headquarters for your financial life. Which allows you to, besides not nickel and dime each other, understand what kind of lifestyle you can actually afford.

So when you have a good plan and everything is automated, as your income goes up or you get a bonus or a tax refund, it's so much clearer as to what money is really yours to blow guilt-free.

So yes, you can have some money to the side—that's your judgment-free zone. You can spend it on whatever you want. We call it a side stash, and we encourage every couple to—each person should have a side stash.

But then we also really highly encourage that all of your money goes into a joint checking account.

All of this to say that just when you're working with one or two advisors, don't just work with one advisor because you think that will allow you to keep your money separate and separate means safe and yours. No—that's not how it works.

Okay. Okay. Mindset shift—also very important. And I've touched on it already.

When you work with a financial advisor, it's because you guys are wanting to think and work as a team. Find all the opportunities for you guys to be smarter with your money. Take a look at what everyone's bringing to the table holistically, and then make a plan with all of your resources in one picture.

Right? Like your life is intertwined. A lot of your goals are shared. Your money decisions should also be unified.

If you're sharing your financial goals, you should be sharing your financial decisions.

The mindset shift here is that it's not about losing independence—it's about gaining trust. Finding alignment in your values and priorities. And all the optimizations that you guys can tackle when you're looking at everything together.

So before you move forward deciding one advisor, two advisors, if you guys can plan separately, plan together—here’s some questions that you can ask yourselves.

The first is: Are we clear on our shared goals?

The next is: Do we know what each other wants to put into their financial plan? That'd be weird, right? If you were in a relationship with someone and they're like putting a beach house and you're like, “Oh no.” I mean, there’s just so many conversations about the life you're designing for yourselves.

There are so many conversations that surface as part of the financial planning process. And in fact, a missed opportunity in not planning together is that you miss the chance to have conversations about the life you're designing.

And so you have one picture and they have a different picture. And those pictures may or may not align. Maybe they align a little bit, but it’s so much harder to know that when you're not having those conversations together.

Here’s a sticky one: Are we optimizing for a future together or separate futures side-by-side?

And finally: If one of us disappeared tomorrow, would the other person be able to step in and know exactly what to do?

There’s nothing more terrifying than living a life with someone for 10, 20, 30 years and then they’re not here anymore and you feel like you have no clue what’s going on with their financial life and how it might impact you.

'Cause it does impact you. If you haven’t been having these conversations alongside each other all the way through, you will feel in the dark.

Forget feel—you will be in the dark.

So no secret—I highly advocate for couples to think and work towards their money goals as a team. And that is so much more easy to do when you're working with one financial advisor.

So anyway, I hope I've made the point. But at the very least, if this episode has sparked a conversation between you and your partner—good. That’s exactly what I was hoping to do.

And if you’re both working with different financial advisors, getting different messages—maybe it’s time to rethink that strategy.

It might be time to unify your financial life.

And if you’ve got questions or want help building a plan that reflects the both of you, you know where to find us.

Alright, thanks for listening to The F Word. Don’t forget to follow, share, like, all the things. And maybe even share this episode with the person that you might be sharing a beachside or mountainside home with someday—hopefully in the near future.

Alright, see you next time.