Ep 53 | Are you guilt-tripping yourself into dating beneath you?

In this episode of The F. Word, Priya tackles a quiet but powerful tension many high-achieving women carry: the guilt of wanting a partner whose ambition, stability, or lifestyle aligns with the one they grew up with. Through real conversations and cultural reframing, she unpacks how privilege can turn into self-betrayal, why shame is often mistaken for humility, and how staying in the wrong relationship out of guilt creates resentment, not virtue. This is a conversation about honesty, alignment, and why your life partner is one of the biggest financial and emotional decisions you’ll ever make.

Takeaways:

• Wanting stability, ambition, or alignment in a partner doesn’t make you shallow, it makes you self-aware.

• Privilege isn’t something you need to apologize for, but it does give you clarity about the life you want to build.

• Financial compatibility isn’t about money, it’s about shared values, direction, and how you experience life together.

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Transcription

Unpacking the Guilt of Wanting an Aligned Partner

Hey guys, welcome to the F word. If you're in a relationship and you've ever thought to yourself, I grew up pretty privileged, but who the hell am I for wanting a partner who can match or exceed that level? This episode's for you. Who the fuck am I to tell you what to do with your money? My name is Priya Malani, currently managing millions of hard working dollars. Enough for a play. Let's talk. Welcome to the F word smart money.

I was at lunch with my friend over the weekend. She had recently broken up with her boyfriend. They'd ended things because timing and honestly there were a few other things that she hadn't been feeling great about that she'd been pushing to the side for a while. She told me a little bit about how the last few months had gone, the breakup, how she'd been dealing since recently her family took her abroad for a week and that had taken her mind off things. Nothing like a trip to Europe post breakup to remember how much is out there. And then she said something. And here's where it gets interesting. Almost under her breath. That caught me off guard, something that revealed the real conflict happening under the surface, she said.

I grew up pretty privileged and I've always felt a little guilty about it. Worse is that when I think about it, I feel really really ashamed for wanting a partner who is ambitious, more financially stable, more aligned with a life I grew up with. She said I feel awful even thinking about it. I was so privileged growing up. Is it bad that I want that? It caught me off guard because she's not the first woman to say this to me, She's actually the second, and they are in 2 completely different contexts, but they've both described the same internal conflict.

My privilege makes me feel guilty for wanting someone with ambition. It feels wrong to want a lifestyle aligned with how I grew up. Leaving him feels like a moral failure, Not just to break up my other friend who told me a similar story a while back. Different guy, different city, different circumstances, but the same feeling. She didn't want to judge him, but she was judging the situation. He used a debit card for everything. He didn't really plan ahead. Money felt kind of tight and chaotic, and she sort of hated herself for noticing. She kept thinking, my family had it so good, who am I to care about this? Who am I to want more?

I think that's a quiet shame. A lot of high achieving women carry the shame of wanting more, not because they feel entitled, but because they're terrified of being perceived as entitled. So that's the question I'm unpacking today. Are you staying in the wrong relationship because you feel guilty about wanting a certain kind of life? And can we talk about that honestly without sounding like a delusional marry rich TikTok? Let's get into it.

How Privilege Can Lead to Self-Betrayal in Relationships

To start, we have to talk about the things sitting underneath all of this privilege, shame, and what I'll call the good girl complex. So let's talk about why my friends feel guilty. I'm going to say something that might piss people off, but it needs to be said. Women who grow up with privilege are often conditioned to apologize for it. They don't want to look spoiled. They don't want to seem demanding. They don't want to be that girl. So instead of acknowledging I value stability, I value ambition, I value partnership, they swallow those desires.

And here's what happened. Psychologically, they overcorrect. They minimize their needs, they ignore red flags, and they stay longer than they should. They become caretakers instead of partners because guilt becomes their compass. Got to tell you, guilt is a terrible compass. One friend realized that she was just trying to prove something to herself. She didn't want to be the spoiled girl who needs a rich guy. So subconsciously she picked partners who were nowhere near what she actually wanted, financially or ambition wise. And then she white knuckled gratitude.

My other friend admitted she was trying to undo her privilege by shrinking herself. She said I wanted to prove I wasn't shallow, that I could be fulfilled with less, that I didn't need anything. But shrinking yourself doesn't create equality. It doesn't make you guys the same. It just makes you resentful of your partner. To think that because you grew up with more than most, it's unkind or unfair to want a partner to match That tells me you're confusing financial alignment with moral superiority.

Let me offer reframing something I said to both of my friends. Your parents didn't work that hard to give you the life that you had, so you'd feel guilty for wanting it. Let me say that again. Your parents didn't work so hard to give you the life you had, so you could simply punish yourself by choosing less than what you want. Less doesn't make you a better person. Less does not make you more moral. Less does not make the relationship more noble. If you prefer a simple life, amazing. If you prefer an ambitious life, also amazing. But do not stay with someone because you're ashamed of wanting what you want.

Why Shame Should Not Dictate Your Relationship Standards

That said, I want to make something very clear because this is the part people love to twist. Your lifestyle growing up is not automatic grounds to dump someone. I'm not saying if your partner doesn't match your family's wealth, run. What I am saying is this. If you're staying with someone because you feel ashamed of wanting a certain kind of life, that's a problem. Because shame is not the foundation for a healthy partnership and guilt is not a long term relationship strategy.

The feelings that my friends described wasn't I need a billionaire or I refuse to live without a driver and a chef. It was more like if I grew up with stability, is it wrong to want stability as an adult? Does wanting financial alignment make me a bad person? Does my privilege invalidate my standards? Those are real, honest, valid questions. But shame took those questions and twisted them into I don't deserve this, I should settle. It feels morally wrong to want comfort, ambition, or stability.

You shouldn't leave your partner simply because he can't provide the lifestyle you grew up with. But you should leave if you know you want something different and the only thing keeping you there is guilt for wanting more. The issue isn't income itself, it's the alignment of the life you want to build together. If you're genuinely OK with the lifestyle you can create as a couple, it's a non issue. Plenty of relationships thrive that way, but if you're not OK with it and the only thing keeping you quiet is shame about your privilege, that's where the real problem is.

Again, guilt is not a sustainable foundation for a relationship. I'm reminded of that iconic Cher moment. Her mother told her you should marry a rich man. And Cher said Mom, I am a rich man. Wanting a partner who matches your ambition, your vision, your velocity. That's not privilege, it's clarity. And if that sounds dramatic, it's really not. Because your partner isn't just an emotional decision, they're a financial one too.

Your Life Partner is a Major Financial Decision

Let's zoom out and talk about it. In the past year, we've seen an explosion of content about how your life partner is the single most important decision you can make. And honestly, I agree. A study from a Harvard researcher found that the quality of your closest relationships predicts your long term wealth, your career stability, your emotional well-being, and even your physical health.

Economists have pointed out that your partner can have more impact on your long term financial life than the specific career you pick because they affect how you live, not just how you earn. You guys know I love Diary of Aceo, which recently had an episode that hammered at this point home. Your partner influences how much you save, how much you spend, how much you earn, how you think, how you take risks, and how you plan for the future. There is no bigger variable in your financial life than the human you choose to build it with.

So let's be very blunt. If your partner is chronically unambitious, financially chaotic, or just not aligned with your goals, your entire life will bend around that misalignment. Not because they're a bad person. Not because money is everything, but because shared values create shared outcomes and misaligned values create resentment.

This is also why I'm such a fan of doing some sort of financial planning before marriage or honestly before engagement. I don't care if it's with Stash wealth or somewhere else, but sitting down and saying what do we want, What does our life cost, where do we want our money to go is an incredible way to see if you're actually building the same life or just hoping that love will smooth over the differences. Spoiler, it doesn't.

So if money conversations don't magically fix misalignment, what actually goes wrong? Let's talk about where the real cracks start to show on the surface. Most people don't break up because of money. They break up because of mismatch and ambition. Mismatch in values, mismatch in goals, mismatch in energy, mismatch in what they want their life to feel like. Money is kind of just where those mismatches show up.

Your desire for stability, your partner's tolerance for chaos, your desire for growth, your partner's willingness to just coast. Money isn't the issue, it's just the mirror. And privilege complicates that mirror. If you grew up with more, you're told to be grateful, be humble, stay grounded, and you should be. But humility does not mean self betrayal. It is fully possible to be grateful for what you had grounded about, what money can and can't do, and still want a life that feels aligned to your standards.

Here's the reframe I want you to sit with.

Prioritizing Clarity and Alignment in Your Relationships

It's not do I deserve this lifestyle? It's does the life I want require a partner who wants the same things? Because here's the uncomfortable truth. Some relationships are amazing until you try to build a life together, and aspiring to the life you desire is not shallow. It's self aware, it's strategic, it's emotionally intelligent, and it prevents resentment, which is the silent killer of otherwise good relationships.

Let's come back to my two friends and talk about the guilt a little bit more. So my friend from lunch, right? Once she was out of the relationship, she realized she hadn't wanted a rich guy, which she actually wanted was ambition, stability, emotional reciprocity, shared lifestyle values, things like travel, food, experiences, comfort, generosity. Things that are perfectly fine to want. Just someone who was excited to build a future with her, not just a ride along. Money was just the place that all of that kind of showed up.

My other friend, she loved the guy, but every time she pictured the future, the type of home that travel, the way they'd raise their kids, the everyday choices, numbers never added up, and she felt awful even thinking about it. Her words were basically I wanted to prove to my parents that I wasn't shallow, that I could be happy without needing more. She thought wanting financial compatibility made her materialistic, but materialism is I need a luxury item to feel worthy.

What she wanted was something different. I want to build a life with someone whose habits and decisions don't constantly sabotage the future we say we want. Those are not the same thing. Here's the nuance, and I really want you to hear this because it's not about income. Money doesn't keep a relationship together, but misaligned money values will tear 1 apart. You can absolutely build a beautiful, fulfilling relationship on love alone, but you cannot build a long term partnership on misaligned values around money, ambition, lifestyle, or vision. It's not about being deep, it's about being in denial.

Key Takeaways, Best Bite, and Final Episode Thoughts

So what do you do with all of this?

Here are the things I want you to remember.

One, wanting stability and ambition or alignment does not make you shallow, it simply makes you self aware. Your desires for your adult life are valid, regardless of how you grew up.

Two, privilege should not turn into guilt, It should turn into clarity. Your upbringing gave you a reference point, not a moral obligation to shrink.

Three, your partner is the biggest financial decision of your life, not because of money, but because of how deeply they shape your choices, habits, mindset, and even future.

Four, you don't have to choose a partner with money, but you do need to choose a partner with values that align and shared vision that matters so much more than income.

Five, staying in the wrong relationship because you feel guilty is self abandonment, and abandoning yourself is the fastest path to resentment.

Six, finally, you're allowed to want what you want as long as it comes from a grounded self honesty, not comparison or entitlement.

Bottom line, partner selection matters and privilege needs to be understood, not punished.

OK, before I let you go, I always like to end the show with my segment called Best Bite. I'm a big foodie. I love to eat. I love to try new restaurants. I'd love to try new recipes. And for this week's best bite, the thing that absolutely blew me away was at a small little bakery in Brooklyn Heights. It is called Apt 4F. I've talked about it before. Actually went there after dinner and I got a cherry and Fran Japan pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top, served with a glass of red wine because obviously. And it absolutely blew me away. Oh my God, It was so, so, so delicious. They actually had to take 20 minutes. So once you got there, it was like you had to put the order in immediately. It took 20 minutes to come out, was piping hot. It was so delicious. The crust, obviously, because it's a bakery and this is what they do, was absolutely epic. Like not too sweet, not too doughy. It was light. It was so, so, so good.

So if you happen to be in Brooklyn, stop by the Apt 4F. They do a nighttime dinner thing called the Pero. Highly recommend it if you're in the area. OK, if today's episode gave you permission to rethink partnership or privilege, guilt or what you're allowed to want, good. You deserve clarity, not shame. And if you know someone who's stuck in a relationship out of guilt, send this their way. You never know who needs to hear it. And as always, please make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss future episodes. And if you like today's conversation, a quick rating or review goes a long way in helping other people find the show. All right, that's it for today. See you next time.

Thanks for listening to the F word with Priya Milani. If you like what you heard, hit subscribe wherever you're listening and leave us a review while you're at it. Or approval junkies. Don't forget you can find a ton of great resources, content, courses, and other freebies at stashwealth.com. Now for the capital F stuff our lawyers want us to say Stash Wealth is a registered investment advisor. Content presented. It's for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended to make an offer or solicitation for any specific security product, service or strategy. Consult with a qualified investment advisor that's us before implementing any strategy.

THE STUFF OUR LAWYERS WANT US TO SAY: Stash Wealth is a Registered Investment Advisor. Content presented is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended to make an offer or solicitation for any specific securities product, service, or strategy. Consult with a qualified investment adviser (that's us) before implementing any strategy. Investing involves risk, including the loss of principal. Past performance does not guarantee future results. There…we said it.